A Key Turning Point

When “what did you do yesterday?” becomes “what’s for dinner?” You know you’ve hit the comfort zone in your relationship. The assumed ‘together’ plan followed by the assumed ‘sleepover.’ It’s very secure- or at least it should be.

That’s my fault.

Every night like clockwork “Peter” shows up at the door with groceries in hand and we plan our evening. He usually calls first to tell me he’s on the way so I can listen for his knock. It sounds simple. But it's missing something small and critical- My key.

I’m terrified to give it up. The tiny crooked edges just beg me to hold on.
The truth is my key not only opens my front door- but it also opens me up to vulnerability. The simple offering is the ultimate sign of commitment and trust. It allows a partner to come and go at anytime. They can walk in at the most inopportune moment- or show up when you really want to be alone.
And don't forget the first thing anyone wants back from a break-up is the key. Always.

I had played every scenario at least twice in my head. Maybe I would wrap the key up and make it a gift. Perhaps I would slip it into his coat pocket and wait for a reaction. Or then I could sit down and have the long talk before handing it over. No matter what option I chose I knew I couldn’t wait much longer. Peter had given me his keys months ago….and I had simply responded. “Great, thanks.”
Back then I wasn’t ready to put my heart on the chopping block and wait to watch which knife he grabbed first.

But now it felt different. My key was no longer a solution to security- it was a burden.

I finally did it Tuesday morning as he left my house for work.
“Here it is- take it,” I blurted out.
I think I just wanted to get it over with.
“Your key?” Peter asked. “That’s okay, hold onto it. I can knock. It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t fine. There were times he waited at my front door for way too long while I showered leisurely and unknowingly. Another time he beat me home and I found him sitting on the steps by my tree in the rain. We knew each other too well. It had been too long. I needed to let go.
And so I did.

I feel much lighter today. And it’s not the empty ring on my keychain. No question the missing key has opened me up to being vulnerable once more. But it's also reminded me that as frightening as taking the risk can be…I’m ready to try again.