Does Sex Really Matter?

Of course it does. But how much? In a relationship how important is sex? For many of my friends- sex is 80-95% of any relationship. For me, it’s about 25%. But can a relationship work if the sex isn’t good?

I was faced with this question yesterday.

“Hey Jules!” I answered. I was fired up to see her name pop up on my cell phone caller ID.
Jules is my best friend from college- and I was dying to catch up.
“Hey Jan, you got a minute?” she sounded upset.
“Absolutely,” I respond. I’m the easiest of all of my friends to reach during the day. I spend most of my time in the car and I live for phone calls.
“Great. It’s about Joe. We’re having trouble.”
Joe is Julie’s fiancé.
“Really, what’s wrong?” I’m stunned, they’re perfect together.
“We haven’t had sex in months,” she states. “He can’t get it up. We keep trying- maybe he’s stressed at work- maybe it’s me- maybe he’s gay-“
“Stop it,” I cut her off. “Joe is not gay. And it’s definitely not you.”
“Then what is it? He keeps making excuses…..”
“And what does he say?” I ask.
“He says things will change, I need to be patient….it’s always one excuse or the other. I can’t remember the last time I had an orgasm. It’s THAT bad!” Jules sobs, “Can I marry a man when there’s no sex?!!”

Hmm. I’m a supportive friend. I believe Joe will somehow snap out of his slump. (No pun intended.) But if he doesn’t- is the relationship doomed?

“Are you talking to him about it?” I ask innocently. Truthfully, I’m stalling. But I don’t know what to say.
“Of course,” she says. “I’ve asked him if he’s gay, or if he’s having an affair, or if he needs to see a shrink…..”
“Wow. That can’t be too helpful to his ego.”
“What else can I do? I’m totally out of ideas.” I can hear her lighting up a cigarette on the other end of the phone. It’s a signal she’s beginning to calm down.
“See a sex therapist?” I answer. “You know, Rita and Jim did it years ago. They’ve been happily married almost 5 years.” I’m trying to sound positive.
“Maybe….how important do you think sex is in a relationship?” she asks.
It’s the ultimate question.
“I don’t think it’s nearly as important as a lot of other stuff.” I state.

And I believe this. I think. I’ve been in several relationships and experienced fantastic sex. In fact, I stayed with old boyfriends much longer than I should have because the sex was so good. But ultimately, even the best sex ever couldn’t keep us together. It just didn’t matter if the guy was a jerk or we fought all the time. The relationships that last are based on a lot more. Aren’t they?

I still think about the men I’ve dated who were really good in bed. I wonder what it would be like to sleep with them again. It might be awesome. But when the sexfest was over- I’d be left with the reminders of why it never worked in the first place.

“Where would I even track down a sex therapist?” Jules says, snapping me out of my sex orgy fantasy daydream.
“Uh, ask Rita and Jim. Otherwise, I’m sure there are a million websites to point you in the right direction.” I say convincingly. “And by the way- stop asking Joe if he’s gay! For God sakes- that’s set you back at least a month in the sack!”
“Okay, done.” She says.
“Oh- one other thing,” I add, “spend some time bonding with BOP. You’re battery operated boyfriend. He won’t disappoint.”

He never does.

Rule #2- The Break-Up

Everyone is allowed a “get out of jail free breakup.”
That means no matter how fantastic the couple- at one time or another a break-up may occur. Maybe someone flips out. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe someone doesn’t know what they want and they need alone time to figure it out. That’s fine. And it happens frequently.

Trouble begins after the second break-up.

Rule #2. Don’t return to a relationship after a second break-up.

“Rich and I are over,” Kelly says as she checks her cell phone for messages. I can tell she’s hoping he’ll call. “It’s just not working out.”
“Really? I thought you two were getting along?” I say. I’m trying to sound surprised, but they’ve split three times before. They’re way past the “get out of jail free” period.
“Nope. He changes in the beginning and then we just go back to the same problems. He’s a mess, he never calls me back, he comes home late and drunk…if it’s not one thing it’s another.” She sounds discouraged. “It’s just not meant to be.”

I agree.

“Maybe it’s not. But at least you tried. It shouldn’t be this much work. Hold out for what you want. You don’t want to forgive him, get back together and end up right back here in 6 months.” I add. “Kiss more frogs.”
“I know,” Kelly sighs. “It’s just much easier to fix what’s broken than to start fresh. In the beginning it always feels like we’re improving as a couple….” Her voice trails off.

If a couple splits a second time- it’s not working. No one is improving, and you’re right back where you started. It’s easier to try again than to be alone waiting for the right person to show up. Most couples give it a few weeks before someone gets lonely and throws up the white flag.
Weeks later they almost always regret it.

I did.
I broke up and got back together with “the drunken retard” three times before I realized it wasn’t going to work. Each time I promised it was the last. Each time he promised things would change. They never did. After the third break-up I swore I’d never go back. I couldn’t waste anymore time. I was exhausted.

“People don’t change.” I say. “Remember what I went through?”
“Yeah, how could I forget? That sucked.” Kelly responds. “I know, you’re right, People don’t change.” She says as she glances down at her cell phone again.

There are no new messages.

Relationship Guidelines by Jan

1. Relationships have expiration dates.
Anyone who is of marrying age (i.e. late 20’s, early 30’s) in a relationship for more than 2 years and not talking about marriage needs to move on. I know this from experience. It is very easy to get stuck in a relationship and think you’re better off than being alone. You’re wrong.
If you’re not looking to make the next step with the person you’re with after 2 years- you probably never will be.
If you’re the one waiting for the person you’re with to be “ready”- they probably never will be.
Cut the ties- move on with your life.

This rule is the most important rule. I see it broken constantly- and I recognize it easily. I too, broke it for more than a year. Nothing was ever so terrible it was worth a break-up. Nothing was ever so great it was worth a discussion of marriage. So there we sat- in a comfortable relationship going nowhere. For nearly 4 years.

It took a drunken fight involving police, the bartender, and a pedestrian to finally make me realize that my relationship had expired and it was time to go.
I convinced myself that I would probably die alone- but at least I wasn’t settling for less than I deserved.
Five months later I met my fiancé.

Two day ago one of my sister’s friends expressed envy of my recent engagement.

“Oh My God! It’s beautiful!” Jen gasped as she tried on my ring. “I would just die if Barry ever proposed!!!”
Barry and Jen have been together 4 ½ years. Jen is 33 and drooling at the mouth.

“Have you talked about it?” I asked.
“A little,” Jen sighs. “He says he’s not ready. So here I am….waiting.” she shrugs her shoulders.
“Oh.” I respond.
I’m not close enough to Jen to pass along my #1 Rule of Relationships.

But maybe I should. Perhaps I could save my sister’s friend another 4 years of waiting.
The truth is- Barry will never propose. What makes anyone think he’ll be more ready after 5, 6, or 10 years?

Then there’s Will. A guy I’ve known for at least a decade. He would date girls for years before leaving them for someone better.
I saw Will on Friday. He got married last month- to a girl he met less than a year ago!!! Dated, proposed and married in under 12 months. Wow.

"It doesn't take long to recognize perfection," Will smiled.
I've never seen him happier.

Not that I encourage speed marriage- but I truly believe when you know you’ve met the right person- you stop stalling in hopes of finding someone better.

Nice Guys Finish Last

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I was surrounded by some of my best friends at our favorite lunch meeting place- Cactus Cantina. The fajitas were fantastic, the margaritas were strong, and the conversation was juicy.

“Jackass called me again last night,” Beth said as she licked some of the salt off the rim of her glass.
“Really?” Lily asked “Why won’t he give up?”
“I don’t know, maybe he thinks we can work it out….”

“Jackass” is Beth’s ex-boyfriend. It is very common to rename an “ex” something far more fitting than his birth name.
I often refer to my ex as “The Drunken Retard”. All of the girls know exactly who I’m talking about.

Beth continued, “The truth is, I don’t know- maybe we can work it out. When things were good they were really good. I hate to give up.”
Beth and “Jackass” have broken-up and gotten back together four times in the last 2 years. Beth was clearly trying to justify bringing “Jackass” back into the picture.

“I don’t know,” Meg added. “Remember “Butthead”? I kept that going way too long…and it never worked out.”
“Butthead” walked all over Meg for years, before he dumped her and married some other girl.

“Yeah, I remember,” Beth looked defeated as she took another slurp of her margarita.
“What about that cute, fun, smart, successful guy you met online?” I asked. Beth had talked about him weeks ago- she said he was perfect.
“You mean Rob? No, I don’t know. He’s great, he’s smart and fabulous and treats me really well……it’s just that……”
Everyone sat silent listening for what Rob could have possibly done to blow it.
“……he’s soooooo nice.” Beth finished.

Wow. That’s a deal-breaker for a lot of girls. And I don’t know why. I don’t think I’ve ever broken up with someone for being “too nice”. But I hear it all the time. And it seems the guys we’ve nicknamed for treating us badly are the ones we all want to win back.
Are these girls looking for constant approval from their men?
Maybe if a guy is good to them- it’s too easy. If he’s a jerk then they get to work for the affirmation.
Maybe a lot of girls don’t think they deserve to be treated well. So they return to the “Jackasses” and “Buttheads” of America.
Then they wonder ‘what went wrong?’

I’m guilty too. I sometimes look back at “Loserboy” or “Asslick” and wonder what I could have done to keep them. They both treated me like dirt before moving on. I still have no idea why I put up with it. The relationships were a constant battle for approval.

But I’ve grown a lot since then. Today I wouldn’t allow that to happen. I wouldn’t break up with a guy for being “too nice” either. Why settle for being treated like anything less than you deserve? But that lesson I learned on my own.

“Anyway, I think I’m going to meet him for lunch next week.” Beth confirmed.

The decision was made. She was going to give Jackass another try.
Lily shot me a look as she reached for the tortillas.

“Relationships are work,” Meg added.
“Yep,” I said. “Good luck. But if you can- give the nice guy another chance- they’re a lot less work.”

Paris Hilton- Up Close and Personal

I had made the reservation weeks ago. Tao was the hot spot I wanted to check out while in Vegas. I read my trashy celebrity gossip magazines at the gym and felt confident about my decision.

Tao didn’t disappoint.

“Oh my God! You guys- there are paparazzi parked outside the restaurant. Hundreds of them!!!” Lucy tried to whisper but I’m sure the entire dining room overhead her excitement.
“Really? Who’s here?” I asked scooping out the place a second time.
“I don’t know but it’s got to be someone big!” she said.
“Maybe it’s the dude in the turquoise T-shirt with the parrot decal on his shoulder.” Martin added sarcastically.
Martin is one of my best friends. He’s gay and VERY fashion sensitive. The parrot decal guy had been the butt of his jokes all evening.

“Okay, Lucy. Don’t move!!” gasped John, Lucy’s fiancé.

And then I saw her. Paris Hilton in the flesh.
She glanced over her shoulder and then continued to sashay through the dining room. She was closely followed by her three bodyguards. She was headed straight for us!

Our table sat frozen.
Everyone else reached for their camera phones.
At the last moment- when she was two feet away she did a quick “flip turn” –probably something one of her beauty coaches taught her- and gave an enormous wet kiss to Parrot Decal Boy.
Martin shook his head. “I called that.”

Aside from the bright red satin dress she wore Paris Hilton looked like anybody else. She wasn’t nearly as tall or as thin as I expected. She also wasn’t this incredible knock-out I thought she would be. She was definitely pretty- but if she weren’t Paris Hilton I’m not sure she would get any more attention than all of the other attractive blondes in the room.

“Wow, her hair is longer than I expected,” I whispered.
“Hair extensions,” Martin replied.
We continued to sit and stare.
John casually grabbed his camera.
“Don’t make it obvious,” Lucy said.
Sure. Who wouldn’t take a picture of part of their friends' shoulder and Paris’ rear end?
Not obvious at all.

In truth, it was very surreal.
I imagined she would be encircled by some sort of a celebrity glow. I imagined she would look better in real life than the pictures. I imagined I would feel different just being around someone that famous.
But I didn’t.
And I almost felt sorry for her. I love attention- but who could handle that all of the time?
How do you go out and get any privacy?
I think it would be exhausting.
But she seemed to revel in it.
And that’s great.

What’s also great is that the up close experience taught me something. It made me realize that although I’m within 5 feet of what many consider an American Icon, I’m still very comfortable in my own seat.