Does Sex Really Matter?

Of course it does. But how much? In a relationship how important is sex? For many of my friends- sex is 80-95% of any relationship. For me, it’s about 25%. But can a relationship work if the sex isn’t good?

I was faced with this question yesterday.

“Hey Jules!” I answered. I was fired up to see her name pop up on my cell phone caller ID.
Jules is my best friend from college- and I was dying to catch up.
“Hey Jan, you got a minute?” she sounded upset.
“Absolutely,” I respond. I’m the easiest of all of my friends to reach during the day. I spend most of my time in the car and I live for phone calls.
“Great. It’s about Joe. We’re having trouble.”
Joe is Julie’s fiancé.
“Really, what’s wrong?” I’m stunned, they’re perfect together.
“We haven’t had sex in months,” she states. “He can’t get it up. We keep trying- maybe he’s stressed at work- maybe it’s me- maybe he’s gay-“
“Stop it,” I cut her off. “Joe is not gay. And it’s definitely not you.”
“Then what is it? He keeps making excuses…..”
“And what does he say?” I ask.
“He says things will change, I need to be patient….it’s always one excuse or the other. I can’t remember the last time I had an orgasm. It’s THAT bad!” Jules sobs, “Can I marry a man when there’s no sex?!!”

Hmm. I’m a supportive friend. I believe Joe will somehow snap out of his slump. (No pun intended.) But if he doesn’t- is the relationship doomed?

“Are you talking to him about it?” I ask innocently. Truthfully, I’m stalling. But I don’t know what to say.
“Of course,” she says. “I’ve asked him if he’s gay, or if he’s having an affair, or if he needs to see a shrink…..”
“Wow. That can’t be too helpful to his ego.”
“What else can I do? I’m totally out of ideas.” I can hear her lighting up a cigarette on the other end of the phone. It’s a signal she’s beginning to calm down.
“See a sex therapist?” I answer. “You know, Rita and Jim did it years ago. They’ve been happily married almost 5 years.” I’m trying to sound positive.
“Maybe….how important do you think sex is in a relationship?” she asks.
It’s the ultimate question.
“I don’t think it’s nearly as important as a lot of other stuff.” I state.

And I believe this. I think. I’ve been in several relationships and experienced fantastic sex. In fact, I stayed with old boyfriends much longer than I should have because the sex was so good. But ultimately, even the best sex ever couldn’t keep us together. It just didn’t matter if the guy was a jerk or we fought all the time. The relationships that last are based on a lot more. Aren’t they?

I still think about the men I’ve dated who were really good in bed. I wonder what it would be like to sleep with them again. It might be awesome. But when the sexfest was over- I’d be left with the reminders of why it never worked in the first place.

“Where would I even track down a sex therapist?” Jules says, snapping me out of my sex orgy fantasy daydream.
“Uh, ask Rita and Jim. Otherwise, I’m sure there are a million websites to point you in the right direction.” I say convincingly. “And by the way- stop asking Joe if he’s gay! For God sakes- that’s set you back at least a month in the sack!”
“Okay, done.” She says.
“Oh- one other thing,” I add, “spend some time bonding with BOP. You’re battery operated boyfriend. He won’t disappoint.”

He never does.